Week Three NFL Picks Against the Spread, Plus One College Pick
So I’m thinking I may just start flipping a coin.
I mean, after an 8-8 week (plus missing on the college pick), it can’t be any worse, right?
Well, I did hit on both the UPSET SPECIAL and STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK(tm) again, so I’m still perfect, 4-0 on the season there. Maybe I’ll save the coin for next week if things don’t improve.
As usual, you are an idiot if you gamble with my picks. They are for recreational purposes only. Home team in CAPS:
Kansas City (+9) at PHILADELPHIA: I’m telling you right now, if the Eagles don’t beat Kansas City by three touchdowns, there will be riots in the streets. I don’t care who is starting at quarterback, I don’t care if Brian Westbrook doesn’t play. The Chiefs are an awful football team. I would take the University of Texas minus nine over Kansas City on the road. Eagles win big, STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK(tm).
Tennessee (+2.5) at NY JETS: Rex Ryan gave a game ball to Fireman Ed (that one dude who sits on that other dude’s shoulders and leads the “J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS” chants) last week on behalf of the fans. It will be insane in the Meadowlands Sunday. Tennessee absolutely, positively HAS to win this game. They won’t. Buddy’s boy’s boys go to 3-0, take the Jets, give the points.
Jacksonville (+3.5) at HOUSTON: OK, Houston, which is it? Are you the team that beat Tennessee or the team that got worked by the Jets? What’s that you say? You’re playing Jacksonville this week so it doesn’t matter? Oh, alright, cool, we’ll check back next week, Houston beats J-ville by a WHOLE lot, give the points.
Cleveland (+13) at BALTIMORE: Only Kansas City prevents the Browns from being the worst team in the AFC. For the second time in three weeks, I’m gonna say something I rarely say: take the Ravens and give the THIRTEEN. Wow, that is a lot of points. Fortunately for me, Eric Mangini coaches the Browns, and he’s an idiot.
NY Giants (-6.5) at TAMPA BAY: Byron Leftwich. Cadillac Williams. Kellen Winslow Jr. OK, there, now I can name three guys on the Bucs. They still suck. Take the Giants, give the points.
Washington (-6.5) at DETROIT: Detroit has to beat somebody at some point, don’t they? Yeah, and it may even be this week. Take the Lions plus the points.
Green Bay (-6.5) at ST LOUIS: Look, don’t get me wrong here, the Rams are awful. AWFUL. But why is everybody so in love with the Packers now? They were 6-10 last year. I don’t get it. Take the Rams plus the points.
San Francisco (+6.5) at MINNESOTA: San Francisco is for real. Will they beat Minnesota in a battle of the NFC’s two best running backs so far? Well, let’s not go crazy here. But they will cover the nigh-touchdown spread, take the Niners and the points.
Atlanta (+4) at NEW ENGLAND: The Pats need to get it in gear. Losing to Atlanta at home will not sit well with Lord Vader, er, I mean Bill Belichick. Pats win and cover the four.
Chicago (-1.5) at SEATTLE: Really? The Bears? Jay Cutler? Really? Seattle, with Seneca Wallace at QB, beats the Bears. UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK.
New Orleans (-6) at BUFFALO: It is getting harder and harder to pick against The Greatest Show On Turf: Part Two, This Time, It’s Personal. But I am a sucker for home underdogs getting six or more. Grit your teeth and take the Bills to cover in a shootout.
Miami (+6) at SAN DIEGO: Two teams that are real close to being dead to me square off here. Miami needs this game badly. So do the Chargers. I believe the Chargers win and cover. I think. Yeah, take the Chargers. I think.
Pittsburgh (-4) at CINNCINNATI: So I’m listening to the NFL radio channel today, and everybody and their mom is picking the Bengals to not only cover, but beat the defending world champs. Uh, what? Mike Tomlin is 8-1 all time in the regular season the week after a loss. Those eight wins are by an average of nearly two touchdowns, and include two shutouts. This is what we call a “trend.” Take the Steelers to lay the smackdown on the Bengals, give the four. In fact, make it a bonus second STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK(tm).
Denver (-1.5) at OAKLAND: The Raiders made me sweat it out against Kansas City last week. Is it possible that Josh McDaniel goes to 3-0? It sure is. It’s not LIKELY, but it’s possible. Equally unbelieveable, the Ray-dizz go to 2-1, take them plus the points.
Indianapolis (+2.5) at ARIZONA: Uh, is that a misprint? Peyton Manning is getting points? Against ARIZONA? Colts win big, people, stop with this Arizona nonsense, come on. Get a grip.
Carolina (+9) at DALLAS: The day I give nine points with the Cowboys is the day I wear a Cowboys Jersey to Lincoln Financial Field. Not happening. Plus, Carolina is gonna win at least one game this year, why not here? Take the Panthers plus the nine.
Washington State (+45) at USC: Washington State is a bad team. They have lost 16 of their last 19. They haven’t beaten USC since 2002. They won’t beat them this week either, but 45 points is just a little ridiculous, don’t you think? Me too. Take the Cougars to lose by SIX TOUCHDOWNS and still cover. That’s just silly.
LAST WEEK: 8-8 NFL, including 1-0 STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK(tm), 1-0 UPSET SPECIAL. College, 0-1.
STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK(tm): 2-0
UPSET SPECIAL: 2-0