Sixers Sign LeRon James To Multi-Year Deal (Satire)
The Philadelphia 76ers shocked the world today by signing star free agent LeRon James to a 7 year, $210,000 contract. The coveted 5′ 5″ janitor was widely expected to go to either New York or stay in his hometown of Cleveland. But he surprised everyone by going to Philadelphia.
“It has long been my dream to clean in Philadelphia,” said James at a mop sink press conference. “Some of the greatest sweat in NBA history has been mopped up here. When I think of the perspiration of stars such as Allen Iverson, Charles Barkley and Julius Erving being mopped up here, I get goose bumps.”
When told that Erving never played in the Wells Fargo Center, James replied, “Whatever.”
Sixers General Manger Ed Stefanski spoke of the shocking coup of landing the most coveted free agent in janitorial history.
“Well we knew there was trouble in Cleveland when we heard about (assistant QuickenLoans Center janitor) DeOnte West and LeRon’s mom hooking up,” he said. “There was no chance he was going back there, not after he used LeRon’s special mop to clean up after.
“That’s just wrong,” he added with a shudder.
Sixers top custodial pick Evant Urner was thrilled to clean alongside one of the greats.
“Well, you knew he wasn’t gonna go to New York,” said the rookie mop handler. “I cleaned there once for summer league. Those people are animals.
“The poo…” he said with a haunted look in his eye. “So much…flinging…the horror…AHHHHHH!” he added, running to the broom closet.
New Vice President of Custodial Services Dug Kollins was surprised and happy to add so much skill to his cleaning squad.
“Well, obviously, I couldn’t be more pleased to have LeRon cleaning here,” said Kollins. “He’s a once in a lifetime cleaner. I cleaned with Doctor J(anitor), who changed the game of cleaning forever. He was the first to clean above the toilet rim.
“But LeRon has taken that to a whole new level.”
James’ deal reportedly includes such perks as two weeks’ vacation, dental coverage, and a 401k company match of up to 5%.
Los Angeles’ Staples Center janitor Cobe Bryant said, “So? Let me know when he has cleaned five championship hot tub rings like I have. Maybe then I’ll care.”
Bryant then took a drink of Haterade.