2010 NFL Week 4 Picks Against The Spread
I’m gonna start flipping a coin.
I mean it.
Last week I was 8-8 against the spread. If that wasn’t bad enough, I was 0 for college, the Upset Special™ and the STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK™. In fact, I haven’t hit a college pick or a SCLPL™ all year. You’d think I’d learn by now.
This week, I turn it around.
Watch the magic happen.
As usual, these picks are for entertainment purposes only. Unless you like buying Porsches™ for your bookie (and why do you have a bookie anyway?!), don’t gamble with these.
New format again as I continue to mess around with it. Home team in CAPS:
PHILADELPHIA (-5.5) over Washington: The Curse of Dan Snyder® will plague this team like no other plague since the Bubonic™ until he sells it. Mike Shanahan and Donovan McNabb are succumbing to it as we speak.
TENNESSEE (-6.5) over Denver: Denver is exempt from jokes for a while considering what they have been going through. They are gonna get rolled like a blunt this week, though. (Wow, that was a short exemption.)
PITTSBURGH (-1.5) over Baltimore: OK, Stillers, stop killing people, you’ve sold me. This is an otherworldy defense. Look, the Ravens are a great team. Unfortunately, they play in what might be the best division in the NFL. Word on the street is that the Pixburgh defense vowed to deliver a 4-0 record to Ben “I Didn’t Know She Was Passed Out, Honest” Roethlisberger. Yinz are gonna do it. Then go dahntahn and celebrate withe some Rolling Rocks and pierogis.
Cincinnati (-3) over CLEVELAND: BREAKING NEWS: Eric Mangini voted “Worst Coach Ever In Any Sport” by his peers. This is this week’s STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK.
Detroit (+14.5) over GREEN BAY: Look, I’m not saying that Detroit is any good, because they ain’t no good. And yeah, they are on the road. But I got burned by a two touchdown spread last week, and that ain’t happening again. Two touchdowns. Pssh.
Carolina (+13.5) over NEW ORLEANS: Again with the two touchdowns? Yes, Carolina is really terrible. Yes, NO is the defending champ. But, come on, man. Also, and don’t get used to these fancy actual football facts, NO, in their last 8 games, is 0-7-1 against the spread. Whew, I am exhausted from all that research. UPSET SPECIAL™.
ATLANTA (-7) over San Francisco: San Fran is a team is a team in disarray. They need to win this week. But they needed to win last week too. Mike Singletary: Dead Man Walking.
ST. LOUIS (+1) over Seattle: Why is Seattle favored here? They are 3-14 on the road over their last 17. They stink. Plus, Pete Carroll is, at best, a vile human being. At best. There has to be some karma here for the pain he caused USC fans. I’m gonna make up some ground here with a second STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK™.
NY Jets (-5) over BUFFALO: The Jets are one of the best teams in the AFC. The Bills are one of the worst teams in the history of organized sports. Also, and this bears repeating, they have CHAN GAILEY for a head coach. Chan Gailey. How does Chan Gailey have a job in the NFL when Jim Fassel and Denny Green don’t? I mean, not that either of them are hall of fame coaches or anything, but they are both better than Chan Freaking Gailey. Or Eric Mangini, for that matter, but that’s another story.
Indianapolis (-7) over JACKSONVILLE: If a terrible football team gets hammered like Lindsay Lohan on a three day pass from the Betty Ford Clinic™ and no one sees it because it’s blacked out on TV, does it count? Fortunately for the Colts, it does.
Houston (-3) over OAKLAND: Say, you guys know this isn’t the Oilers versus the Raiders in 1981, right? Can I have a 3rd STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK™? Of course I can, it’s my column. Lock it up.
Arizona (+8) over SAN DIEGO: Three things for which I am a sucker: a woman who can make me laugh, Chick-Fil-A™ ice cream, and any team getting more than a touchdown from a Norv Turner coached team. Remeber the scene in Aliens™ when the marines got into their first firefight and they were getting the crap kicked out of them and Lt. Gorman looked all panicky and confused and he kept calling for Sgt. Apone and Apone was dead and Hudson grabbed the camera and screamed “APONE’S DEAD WHAT DO WE DO WHAT DO WE DO?” and Ripley was yelling at Gorman to get them out of there and Gorman kept trying to stay calm but ended up just looking stupid and confused? Norv Turner ALWAYS looks like that to me. Stupid and confused.
Chicago (+4) over NY GIANTS: Let me get this straight: the Bears are 3-0, the Giants can’t get out of their own way, and the GIANTS ARE FAVORED BY FOUR? As my six year old son would say, “What the?” Only because he’s not allowed to say the f word, which, adorably, he thinks is “frog.”
MIAMI (pick em) over New England: NE has given up a whopping 82 points in three games. Great Googaly Moogaly©, that is CRAZY. What happened to the vaunted defense of the genius Bill Belichick? I was just kidding when I said his contract with the devil ran out, but maybe it has.
NEW MEXICO ST (+43) over Boise St: I don’t know anything about New Mexico State. I know Boise St. is pretty good. I also know that 43 is A LOT OF FREAKING POINTS to be giving on the road. Take NMSU to lose by SIX TOUCHDOWNS and still cover.
Last week (overall):
NFL 8-8 (23-22-3); College 0-1 (0-3-1); STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK™ 0-1 (0-3); UPSET SPECIAL™ 0-1 (2-1)