2010 Week 5 NFL Picks Against The Spread
Last week was like a Clint Eastwood movie: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.
The good: finally off the schneid with the STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK™, going 2-1 with those. Hit again on the UPSET SPECIAL™.
The bad: 6-8 overall with the NFL.
The ugly: missed again on the college pick, making me 0-5 on the season.
I sincerely hope people are entertained by these picks, since they are for entertainment purposes only. If you are gambling on them, you’re a loser. Not because you gamble, per se, but because, clearly, I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Hopefully, you get a chuckle or two. Home team in CAPS:
Eagles (+3) over 49ERS: Let’s be clear: the Eagles have no shot here. None. They are going across the country to play a desperate team. The Eagles are 0-4 against the number west of the Mississippi since the 2008 NFC Championship in Arizona. Also, fair or not, I have zero confidence in Kevin Kolb. None. But I still can’t pick against my boys, come on, man.
Jaguars (-1) over BUFFALO: OK, Jacksonville, which team are you? Are you the team that got smoked like Paris Hilton’s secret stash of crack by the Eagles? Or are you the team that beat the Colts last week? What’s that? You say it doesn’t matter since either of your schizophrenic selves can beat Buffalo? Oh, ok, cool.
INDIANAPOLIS (-8) over Kansas City: Look, there’s a lot to like about Kansas City. The ribs. The way the radio announcer says, “TOUCHDOWN…KAAAAANSAAAAAS CITY!” The fact that they are 3-0. But the Colts are coming off a tough loss last week, and Peyton is going to be pissed OFF. Colts win BIG here.
Atlanta (-3) over CLEVELAND: I’m running out of Eric Mangini jokes. Plus they won last week, so, I suppose I have to at least acknowledge that. Or not. He still sucks. Browns get worked like a West Virginia coal miner. STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK™
Green Bay (-2) over WASHINGTON: Skins with a bigger letdown this week than that person you met last night from Match.com. (How old was that picture again?)
HOUSTON (-3) over New York Giants: I really like Houston a lot. I also like the fact that the Giants are 4-11 vs the number in their last 15 games. Houston is a steal at three points, like McDonald’s (ba da ba ba baaa), I’m lovin it.
New Orleans (-7) over ARIZONA: Max Hall? Really? Gregg Williams has to be giggling in his sleep at the prospect of blitzing a rookie QB all day long. This could get ugly quick. Also, how bitter are you if you own Larry Fitzgerald in fantasy leagues now with a rookie QB? Quite bitter, I would imagine. Not quite rancid milk bitter, but fairly bitter nonetheless. Maybe like old bologna bitter.
Denver (+7) over BALTIMORE: Ravens due for a letdown as well. Enough to not cover the 7, but not enough to lose.
St. Louis (+3) over DETROIT: While the Lions are not as bad as people think, the Rams are actually better than people think. I’m a believer.
CINCINNATI (-6) over Tampa Bay: OK, Cincinnati, this is your last chance. You don’t cover this week and you are DEAD TO ME! This is a 2nd STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK™
Chicago (pick em) over CAROLINA: I could have sworn Todd Collins was vodka, club soda and grapefruit juice. Turns out it’s not, he’s an NFL QB and he’s starting for the Bears this week. Good thing they’re playing Carolina. Also, ya think Julius Peppers might be fired up for this one? I do.
OAKLAND (+6) over San Diego: I just have a hard time picking Norv Turner. Yes, more so than the Raiders, shut up.
Tennessee (+7) over DALLAS: Help me out here. Dallas is 1-2. How are they a touchdown favorite here? I’m not understanding this at all. I’m gonna double dip here and make this both the UPSET SPECIAL™ and a rare 3rd STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK™.
Vikings (+4) over NEW YORK JETS: Brett Farve and Randy Moss vs Rex Ryan and Revis Island™? Should be fun.
Florida State (+6) over MIAMI: Finally, this game matters again. Jimbo Fisher and my Noles get it done under the glare of the bright lights and the
drug dealers boosters of the Hurricanes.
LAST WEEK’S RECORDS (overall)
NFL: 6-8 (29-30-3)
STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK: 2-1 (2-4)
UPSET SPECIAL: 1-0 (3-1)
COLLEGE: 0-1 (0-4-1)