Posts Tagged ‘Sixers’
LOONNNG. This is a long episode. It’s like two hours long. Get used to that as we are going to a LIVE SHOW on January 4. Tell yo friends. On this show, Alex is really, really, REALLY mad. Really mad. He goes OFF on DC Sports and its “fans.” Third Voice is Yahoo Sports’ Vincent Heck, we talk Sixers and Bullets (we refuse to use the other name). James Harrison, Tim Tebow, is Eli Manning an elite QB? Top 5 superheroes of all time, and, of course twitter shoutouts. It’s it.
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This week, NFL, NFL and more NFL. Lockout, Free Agency, all that. Plus a DOUBLE shot of What’s Wrong Witchu, Top 5 sports rivalries and twitter shout outs.
The Philadelphia 76ers shocked the world today by signing star free agent LeRon James to a 7 year, $210,000 contract. The coveted 5′ 5″ janitor was widely expected to go to either New York or stay in his hometown of Cleveland. But he surprised everyone by going to Philadelphia.
“It has long been my dream to clean in Philadelphia,” said James at a mop sink press conference. “Some of the greatest sweat in NBA history has been mopped up here. When I think of the perspiration of stars such as Allen Iverson, Charles Barkley and Julius Erving being mopped up here, I get goose bumps.”
When told that Erving never played in the Wells Fargo Center, James replied, “Whatever.”
Sixers General Manger Ed Stefanski spoke of the shocking coup of landing the most coveted free agent in janitorial history.
“Well we knew there was trouble in Cleveland when we heard about (assistant QuickenLoans Center janitor) DeOnte West and LeRon’s mom hooking up,” he said. “There was no chance he was going back there, not after he used LeRon’s special mop to clean up after.
“That’s just wrong,” he added with a shudder.
Sixers top custodial pick Evant Urner was thrilled to clean alongside one of the greats.
“Well, you knew he wasn’t gonna go to New York,” said the rookie mop handler. “I cleaned there once for summer league. Those people are animals.
“The poo…” he said with a haunted look in his eye. “So much…flinging…the horror…AHHHHHH!” he added, running to the broom closet.
New Vice President of Custodial Services Dug Kollins was surprised and happy to add so much skill to his cleaning squad.
“Well, obviously, I couldn’t be more pleased to have LeRon cleaning here,” said Kollins. “He’s a once in a lifetime cleaner. I cleaned with Doctor J(anitor), who changed the game of cleaning forever. He was the first to clean above the toilet rim.
“But LeRon has taken that to a whole new level.”
James’ deal reportedly includes such perks as two weeks’ vacation, dental coverage, and a 401k company match of up to 5%.
Los Angeles’ Staples Center janitor Cobe Bryant said, “So? Let me know when he has cleaned five championship hot tub rings like I have. Maybe then I’ll care.”
Bryant then took a drink of Haterade.
The Philadelphia 76ers today traded disgruntled center Samuel Dalembert to the Los Angeles Sparks for star power forward Candace Parker and a throwback jersey from Hall of Fame Center Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Dalembert is expected to back up Sparks center Lisa Leslie.
According to sources, talks have been ongoing for some time, but were held up due to the Sixers insistence on a signed Magic Johnson jersey. Once that was reduced to a game worn Abdul-Jabbar jersey, things moved quickly.
“We are proud to introduce our new forward, Candace Parker,” said Sixers general manager Ed Stefanski of the 6′ 4″ dunking machine. “We expect her to be a significant improvement over Dalembert. She is stronger, has a better outside shot, and is far less likely to cost us games by committing four fouls in the first quarter of every game.
“Plus, this Kareem jersey is gonna look sweet on the wall of my office.”
Dalembert seemed thrilled to be traded to a contender.
“It is an honor to be traded to a team with such a rich tradition,” said the soul-rending “center.” “I hear the seats on the bench there are well padded. I look forward to taking my team killing skills to Los Angeles.”
When asked what Dalembert’s role would be, Sparks head coach Michael Cooper was very clear.
“His role will be to make sure that Lisa has plenty to drink, and that she has a fresh towel with which to dry off when she sits down.” When asked specifically about his playing role, Cooper just laughed and left the podium.
Contacted by phone, Sixers guard Andre Iguodala seemed to sum up the feelings of the whole team, if not the city.
“Wow, I thought we would never unload that mook,” said Iguodala. “To call him useless is an insult to useless people. Who did we get for him? You know what, it doesn’t matter. We are a better team today.”
When told that WNBA star Candace Parker was now a Sixer, Iguodala replied, “Great. She will double his scoring average just by not fouling out.”
Parker seemed to take the whole situation in stride. “I’m just going to try to fit in and do what I do. I plan to be a team player. (Sixers head coach) Eddie (Jordan) told me that I was a much better fit for the Princeton offense, due to the fact that I have an IQ over 75, unlike Dalembert.
“He said that, not me. I mean, it’s true, but I’m just saying.”
When asked about how she would handle the difference in the game play, Parker expressed confidence.
“Look, I am not worried,” said Parker. “I know what I can do. Obviously, the Sixers do too, or I wouldn’t be here. I can handle the ball, I can shoot, I can dunk, all the things that were missing from that position for the 7 minutes a game that he played last year.
“If some high school kid can dunk on (Cleveland Cavaliers guard) LeBron (James), I can too.”
At press time, it could not be confirmed that the New York Mets were trying to trade Oliver Perez to the USA Olympic team for softball ace Jennie Finch and a Mia Hamm throwback.