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Archive for July 2010

The New Justice League: Batman (Wade) Green Lantern (Bosh) and Zan, The Wonder Twin (Lebron)

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Lebron James was a free agent.

This means he had every right to sign with whatever team he wanted.

This doesn’t mean Cleveland has to like it.

For the first time in his life, Lebron James is experiencing consequences for his actions. Like most elite pro athletes, he has been coddled from an early age, and rarely, if ever, told no. No one ever said they didn’t like him. He was beloved by all who surrounded him.

Not anymore.

He was shown images of the anger, frustration and hurt he caused in Cleveland. Not by leaving, of course. That’s fine.

But to have an hour long TV show about it? To rip out the heart of a city in such a public fashion?

That is what caused the anger. Not the leaving. But the way he left.

I don’t think he thought this one through.

I think he believed that this would just be another step on his way to becoming the greatest basketball player of all time. A chance to boost his fame and his image. After all, he just wants to win, right?

One problem with this.

By going to the Heat, Dwayne Wade’s team, Lebron is telling us that he is not a leader. He can’t put a team on his back and carry it. He is not, nor will he ever be, the next Jordan.

He’s not even the next Kobe.

By volunteering to play Barnacle Boy to D-Wade’s Mermaid Man, he has effectively ended the Kobe vs. Lebron argument. You can’t argue Lebron’s side, because he isn’t even the leader on his own team.

He is Kevin McHale.

He is James Worthy.

He is Scottie Pippen.

He’s not even Kobe’s Shaq, or Tim Duncan’s David Robinson. Those were equals. Wade has a ring, and like I always say, with players on similar levels, the ring is the ultimate tie-breaker.

So congrats, Lebron. You will get titles.

But at what price?

Written by CrawleyAndWatts

July 9, 2010 at 6:21 pm

Sixers Sign LeRon James To Multi-Year Deal (Satire)

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The Philadelphia 76ers shocked the world today by signing star free agent LeRon James to a 7 year, $210,000 contract. The coveted 5′ 5″ janitor was widely expected to go to either New York or stay in his hometown of Cleveland. But he surprised everyone by going to Philadelphia.

“It has long been my dream to clean in Philadelphia,” said James at a mop sink press conference. “Some of the greatest sweat in NBA history has been mopped up here. When I think of the perspiration of stars such as Allen Iverson, Charles Barkley and Julius Erving being mopped up here, I get goose bumps.”

When told that Erving never played in the Wells Fargo Center, James replied, “Whatever.”

Sixers General Manger Ed Stefanski spoke of the shocking coup of landing the most coveted free agent in janitorial history.

“Well we knew there was trouble in Cleveland when we heard about (assistant QuickenLoans Center janitor) DeOnte West and LeRon’s mom hooking up,” he said. “There was no chance he was going back there, not after he used LeRon’s special mop to clean up after.

“That’s just wrong,” he added with a shudder.

Sixers top custodial pick Evant Urner was thrilled to clean alongside one of the greats.

“Well, you knew he wasn’t gonna go to New York,” said the rookie mop handler. “I cleaned there once for summer league. Those people are animals.

“The poo…” he said with a haunted look in his eye. “So much…flinging…the horror…AHHHHHH!” he added, running to the broom closet.

New Vice President of Custodial Services Dug Kollins was surprised and happy to add so much skill to his cleaning squad.

“Well, obviously, I couldn’t be more pleased to have LeRon cleaning here,” said Kollins. “He’s a once in a lifetime cleaner. I cleaned with Doctor J(anitor), who changed the game of cleaning forever. He was the first to clean above the toilet rim.

“But LeRon has taken that to a whole new level.”

James’ deal reportedly includes such perks as two weeks’ vacation, dental coverage, and a 401k company match of up to 5%.

Los Angeles’ Staples Center janitor Cobe Bryant said, “So? Let me know when he has cleaned five championship hot tub rings like I have. Maybe then I’ll care.”

Bryant then took a drink of Haterade.

Written by CrawleyAndWatts

July 5, 2010 at 6:50 pm