Posts Tagged ‘picks against the spread’
Whap! This week we get all up in some junk, Geoff blasts the Nationals, The 3rd Voice is NY Giants fan Marc Schmecko (fuhgeddaboutit, I’m takin over the show, I’m from New York here), what’s wrong witchu American Film Institute? Plus NFL Week 3 picks against the spread and twitter shoutouts. It’s way awesomer than what you’re doing know. Holla!
PS We know awesomer isn’t a word.
Also available on iTunes ——-> The Voice Of The Fan
Pladow! This week, how great was Cam Newton? Third Voice is rabid Falcons fan Jeanna Thomas from The Falcoholic. What’s Wrong with you Tedy Bruschi? And, once again, for entertainment purposes only, we pick EVERY NFL GAME AGAINST THE SPREADS. Plus twitter shoutouts. Tell yo friends!!!
Download Episode XIV
Also available on iTunes ————> The Voice Of The Fan
Wherever you are, stop what you are doing and pour one out for my dead homie, Wade Phillips.
Below is, verbatim, an e-mail I received from a fan about this. (OK, it was my uncle, but he’s a fan too.) The sorely under punctuated stream of consciousness is mesmerizing.
“Sad, you mean to tell me that a 1 and 7 team of gutless quitters cant use a tried and true coach/puppet
Makes me sick, the look in his eyes says it all (they say “effin Scandrick”) I cried for much of the 2nd half
How ticked is J Jones gonna be in the offseason of unrest, he wants to be the Yankees of Football and spend a billion dollars on players and have them coached by his ego, I think the players union are going to want a baseball like agreement, and in his frustration JJ will be a willing accomplice in blowing it all up for an every man for himself league of haves and have nots
My greatest fear is that in a division with NY revenue, Snyder EGO and revenue, and Jones bigger EGO and bigger revenue, the Eagles quickly become handicapped without a cap, and BOOM (hello nike)
The ETN eagle television network becomes a premium pay per view channel, national tv games become a thing of the past, and don’t think idiots wont pay ‘cause even a bye week for the Eagles is hard to take
On the Brightside, uniforms will look a lot more nascarish with sponsorship, how much for an O lineman’s buttock billboard; imagine a jiggley geico ad on Jason peters hind parts, a blue Viagra pill on a d lineman stomachs, the slacks hoagie shack wack of the game, will seem like a quaint throwback; after a score a mandatory interview with Pam Oliver on the Bud Light touchdown spotlight right before the ensuing kickoff and Bret Favre for AARP on his consecutive game streak being in jeopardy because of a midweek Blue Cross Blue Shield colonoscopy segment gone terribly wrong
Aaarrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhh darn you jerry joonnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssss”
Couldn’t have said it better.
Tonight, the Bengals are five point home dogs to the Pixburgh Stillers. If you have ever read this column (I know it’s a blog, column sounds better, shut up) you know that I am a huge fan of the home dog. Not tonight. Stillers in a laugher, give the five.
Last week was like a Clint Eastwood movie: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.
The good: finally off the schneid with the STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK™, going 2-1 with those. Hit again on the UPSET SPECIAL™.
The bad: 6-8 overall with the NFL.
The ugly: missed again on the college pick, making me 0-5 on the season.
I sincerely hope people are entertained by these picks, since they are for entertainment purposes only. If you are gambling on them, you’re a loser. Not because you gamble, per se, but because, clearly, I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Hopefully, you get a chuckle or two. Home team in CAPS:
Eagles (+3) over 49ERS: Let’s be clear: the Eagles have no shot here. None. They are going across the country to play a desperate team. The Eagles are 0-4 against the number west of the Mississippi since the 2008 NFC Championship in Arizona. Also, fair or not, I have zero confidence in Kevin Kolb. None. But I still can’t pick against my boys, come on, man.
Jaguars (-1) over BUFFALO: OK, Jacksonville, which team are you? Are you the team that got smoked like Paris Hilton’s secret stash of crack by the Eagles? Or are you the team that beat the Colts last week? What’s that? You say it doesn’t matter since either of your schizophrenic selves can beat Buffalo? Oh, ok, cool.
INDIANAPOLIS (-8) over Kansas City: Look, there’s a lot to like about Kansas City. The ribs. The way the radio announcer says, “TOUCHDOWN…KAAAAANSAAAAAS CITY!” The fact that they are 3-0. But the Colts are coming off a tough loss last week, and Peyton is going to be pissed OFF. Colts win BIG here.
Atlanta (-3) over CLEVELAND: I’m running out of Eric Mangini jokes. Plus they won last week, so, I suppose I have to at least acknowledge that. Or not. He still sucks. Browns get worked like a West Virginia coal miner. STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK™
Green Bay (-2) over WASHINGTON: Skins with a bigger letdown this week than that person you met last night from Match.com. (How old was that picture again?)
HOUSTON (-3) over New York Giants: I really like Houston a lot. I also like the fact that the Giants are 4-11 vs the number in their last 15 games. Houston is a steal at three points, like McDonald’s (ba da ba ba baaa), I’m lovin it.
New Orleans (-7) over ARIZONA: Max Hall? Really? Gregg Williams has to be giggling in his sleep at the prospect of blitzing a rookie QB all day long. This could get ugly quick. Also, how bitter are you if you own Larry Fitzgerald in fantasy leagues now with a rookie QB? Quite bitter, I would imagine. Not quite rancid milk bitter, but fairly bitter nonetheless. Maybe like old bologna bitter.
Denver (+7) over BALTIMORE: Ravens due for a letdown as well. Enough to not cover the 7, but not enough to lose.
St. Louis (+3) over DETROIT: While the Lions are not as bad as people think, the Rams are actually better than people think. I’m a believer.
CINCINNATI (-6) over Tampa Bay: OK, Cincinnati, this is your last chance. You don’t cover this week and you are DEAD TO ME! This is a 2nd STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK™
Chicago (pick em) over CAROLINA: I could have sworn Todd Collins was vodka, club soda and grapefruit juice. Turns out it’s not, he’s an NFL QB and he’s starting for the Bears this week. Good thing they’re playing Carolina. Also, ya think Julius Peppers might be fired up for this one? I do.
OAKLAND (+6) over San Diego: I just have a hard time picking Norv Turner. Yes, more so than the Raiders, shut up.
Tennessee (+7) over DALLAS: Help me out here. Dallas is 1-2. How are they a touchdown favorite here? I’m not understanding this at all. I’m gonna double dip here and make this both the UPSET SPECIAL™ and a rare 3rd STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK™.
Vikings (+4) over NEW YORK JETS: Brett Farve and Randy Moss vs Rex Ryan and Revis Island™? Should be fun.
Florida State (+6) over MIAMI: Finally, this game matters again. Jimbo Fisher and my Noles get it done under the glare of the bright lights and the
drug dealers boosters of the Hurricanes.
LAST WEEK’S RECORDS (overall)
NFL: 6-8 (29-30-3)
STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK: 2-1 (2-4)
UPSET SPECIAL: 1-0 (3-1)
COLLEGE: 0-1 (0-4-1)
I’m gonna start flipping a coin.
I mean it.
Last week I was 8-8 against the spread. If that wasn’t bad enough, I was 0 for college, the Upset Special™ and the STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK™. In fact, I haven’t hit a college pick or a SCLPL™ all year. You’d think I’d learn by now.
This week, I turn it around.
Watch the magic happen.
As usual, these picks are for entertainment purposes only. Unless you like buying Porsches™ for your bookie (and why do you have a bookie anyway?!), don’t gamble with these.
New format again as I continue to mess around with it. Home team in CAPS:
PHILADELPHIA (-5.5) over Washington: The Curse of Dan Snyder® will plague this team like no other plague since the Bubonic™ until he sells it. Mike Shanahan and Donovan McNabb are succumbing to it as we speak.
TENNESSEE (-6.5) over Denver: Denver is exempt from jokes for a while considering what they have been going through. They are gonna get rolled like a blunt this week, though. (Wow, that was a short exemption.)
PITTSBURGH (-1.5) over Baltimore: OK, Stillers, stop killing people, you’ve sold me. This is an otherworldy defense. Look, the Ravens are a great team. Unfortunately, they play in what might be the best division in the NFL. Word on the street is that the Pixburgh defense vowed to deliver a 4-0 record to Ben “I Didn’t Know She Was Passed Out, Honest” Roethlisberger. Yinz are gonna do it. Then go dahntahn and celebrate withe some Rolling Rocks and pierogis.
Cincinnati (-3) over CLEVELAND: BREAKING NEWS: Eric Mangini voted “Worst Coach Ever In Any Sport” by his peers. This is this week’s STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK.
Detroit (+14.5) over GREEN BAY: Look, I’m not saying that Detroit is any good, because they ain’t no good. And yeah, they are on the road. But I got burned by a two touchdown spread last week, and that ain’t happening again. Two touchdowns. Pssh.
Carolina (+13.5) over NEW ORLEANS: Again with the two touchdowns? Yes, Carolina is really terrible. Yes, NO is the defending champ. But, come on, man. Also, and don’t get used to these fancy actual football facts, NO, in their last 8 games, is 0-7-1 against the spread. Whew, I am exhausted from all that research. UPSET SPECIAL™.
ATLANTA (-7) over San Francisco: San Fran is a team is a team in disarray. They need to win this week. But they needed to win last week too. Mike Singletary: Dead Man Walking.
ST. LOUIS (+1) over Seattle: Why is Seattle favored here? They are 3-14 on the road over their last 17. They stink. Plus, Pete Carroll is, at best, a vile human being. At best. There has to be some karma here for the pain he caused USC fans. I’m gonna make up some ground here with a second STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK™.
NY Jets (-5) over BUFFALO: The Jets are one of the best teams in the AFC. The Bills are one of the worst teams in the history of organized sports. Also, and this bears repeating, they have CHAN GAILEY for a head coach. Chan Gailey. How does Chan Gailey have a job in the NFL when Jim Fassel and Denny Green don’t? I mean, not that either of them are hall of fame coaches or anything, but they are both better than Chan Freaking Gailey. Or Eric Mangini, for that matter, but that’s another story.
Indianapolis (-7) over JACKSONVILLE: If a terrible football team gets hammered like Lindsay Lohan on a three day pass from the Betty Ford Clinic™ and no one sees it because it’s blacked out on TV, does it count? Fortunately for the Colts, it does.
Houston (-3) over OAKLAND: Say, you guys know this isn’t the Oilers versus the Raiders in 1981, right? Can I have a 3rd STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK™? Of course I can, it’s my column. Lock it up.
Arizona (+8) over SAN DIEGO: Three things for which I am a sucker: a woman who can make me laugh, Chick-Fil-A™ ice cream, and any team getting more than a touchdown from a Norv Turner coached team. Remeber the scene in Aliens™ when the marines got into their first firefight and they were getting the crap kicked out of them and Lt. Gorman looked all panicky and confused and he kept calling for Sgt. Apone and Apone was dead and Hudson grabbed the camera and screamed “APONE’S DEAD WHAT DO WE DO WHAT DO WE DO?” and Ripley was yelling at Gorman to get them out of there and Gorman kept trying to stay calm but ended up just looking stupid and confused? Norv Turner ALWAYS looks like that to me. Stupid and confused.
Chicago (+4) over NY GIANTS: Let me get this straight: the Bears are 3-0, the Giants can’t get out of their own way, and the GIANTS ARE FAVORED BY FOUR? As my six year old son would say, “What the?” Only because he’s not allowed to say the f word, which, adorably, he thinks is “frog.”
MIAMI (pick em) over New England: NE has given up a whopping 82 points in three games. Great Googaly Moogaly©, that is CRAZY. What happened to the vaunted defense of the genius Bill Belichick? I was just kidding when I said his contract with the devil ran out, but maybe it has.
NEW MEXICO ST (+43) over Boise St: I don’t know anything about New Mexico State. I know Boise St. is pretty good. I also know that 43 is A LOT OF FREAKING POINTS to be giving on the road. Take NMSU to lose by SIX TOUCHDOWNS and still cover.
Last week (overall):
NFL 8-8 (23-22-3); College 0-1 (0-3-1); STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK™ 0-1 (0-3); UPSET SPECIAL™ 0-1 (2-1)