Archive for September 2010
My 9-7 record last week puts me over .500 for the season. The Stone Cold Lead Pipe Lock™ failed again however, as did both college picks (one was a push). I did hit on the Upset Special™ again.
Once again, these picks are for entertainment purposes only. If you are gambling based on them, you may as well set your money on fire. Or mail it to me.
New Format, Favorite on the left, Home team in CAPS:
Philadelphia (2.5) at JACKSONVILLE: I blinked and missed the Kevin Kolb Era™. Enter Ron Mexico 2.0™. The new and improved Mike Vick, keeps his eyes downfield, looks to get teammates involved instead of just himself, thinks pass first, and, hopefully, doesn’t kill dogs any more. Eagles win and cover.
NEW YORK GIANTS (3) vs. Tennessee: This is a tough one. I could dazzle you with stats and what not, but, frankly, I’m lazy. Bottom line, Tennessee needs this one more, as they were bare bottom spanked by Pittsburgh at home last week. Take the Titans and the points.
NEW ENGLAND (14.5) vs. Buffalo: Great Googaly Moogaly©, that is a huge, HUGE number. Is Buffalo that bad? Think about this: Buffalo is starting a guy from Harvard at QB. Really? Really. NE rolls, take them give the points.
BALTIMORE (10.5) vs. Cleveland: Let’s get one thing clear. As long as Eric Mangini is the coach, I will never, EVER pick them for anything. Not in an NFL game, not against Ohio State, not against Berea High School in Akron, OH. Not in football. Not in field hockey. Not in freeze tag. I wouldn’t pick Eric Mangini to coach my dog to take a crap after she has eaten a box of Ex-Lax™. He is HOT GARBAGE. It is a CRIME that he has an NFL job and Jim Fassel is coaching in the UFL. Baltimore rolls, give the points. STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK™.
Pittsburgh (2.5) at TAMPA BAY: Ok, Tampa, you got me last week by beating Carolina. This week you get the Stillers. Everybody who had the Stillers at 2-0 without Ben “Have Another Shot And I’ll Meet You In The Bathroom. No, The Men’s Room” Roethlisberger, raise your hands. Yinz are a bunch of liars. Pixburgh goes to 3-0, give the points.
Cincinnati (3) at CAROLINA: Carolina is the worst team in the NFC. Period. John Fox must have pictures of the owner with a donkey. Ochocinco and dem win big, give the points.
NEW ORLEANS (4) vs Atlanta: I’m torn. New Orleans has yet to look good, and Atlanta looked great last week. New Orleans is at home, but Atlanta is built to play in a dome as well. This is the week we find out how good both of these teams are. I think NO wins a shootout, but ATL covers, take the Falcons and the points.
San Francisco (3) at KANSAS CITY: I woke up in a cold sweat the other night thinking about what Mike Singletary would do if the 49ers go to 0-3. No chance that happens. KC just happens to be the opponent. Take SF, give the 3.
MINNESOTA (11) vs. Detroit: Minnesota’s season is on the line here. If they don’t get a win, it’s over, Johnny. What, you never saw Rambo™? Detroit is 2-0 vs the spread this season, and have covered the last four vs MIN. This is what we call a ka-ching trend. Minnesota wins, but that number is way too big, Lions cover. If they win, start the Farve retirement countdown. He will walk away if the season is beyond salvage. You heard it here first. Oh and this is the UPSET SPECIAL™.
HOUSTON (2.5) vs Dallas: I have so many one liners about this one going through my head that I can’t even narrow it down to one. Dallas needs a win here like Wade Phillips needs a clue. Houston wins BIG, take the Texans, give the points, and put Jerry Jones on suicide watch. (Mr. Gruden? A Mr. Jones is on line 3.)
Washington (3.5) at ST. LOUIS: I’m taking the Rams here. No justification whatsoever. The Skins are the right pick, they may win by two TDs. Jim Haslett is giggling in his sleep about blitzing a rookie QB. I’m still picking the Rams. Maybe because of the karma involved in a game where a Native American QB is playing against a team with a highly offensive Native American nickname.
Indianapolis (5.5) at DENVER: Man, talk about games I couldn’t care less about. Hold on, let me flip a coin – it’s heads, take Denver and the points. Wait, this is a two headed coin!
San Diego (5.5) at SEATTLE: Seattle, let me ‘splain something to you. You have messed me up twice in a row. Twice. That’s all you get. You don’t cover against a Norv Turner coached team at home against a rookie running back and YOU ARE DEAD TO ME!!! Seattle covers. Or else they sleep with the fishes.
ARIZONA (4.5) vs. Oakland: Bruce Gradkowski? Really? Take Arizona and give the points. Bruce Gradkowski. Come on, man.
MIAMI (2) vs New York Jets: Jets win, because they will not be distracted by Braylon Edwards’ Homeless Person’s Beard.
Green Bay (3) at CHICAGO: How in the name of Sam Sirhan Sirhan is Chicago 2-0? They have Jay Cutler at QB. JAY CUTLER. Green Bay stops this nonsense, take them, give the three.
Nevada (4) at BYU: BYU at home getting points coming off a tough loss? For real? Gimmie some of that, I love BYU with the four.
Last week (overall):
NFL 9-7 (15-14-3); College 0-1-1 (0-2-1); Stone Cold Lead Pipe Lock™ 0-1 (0-2); Upset Special™ 1-0 (2-0)
Whoo-eee, was that a stinky week one. Just 6-7-3 against the spread, plus missed on the college pick and the STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK(TM).
I did get the upset pick right.
I need to start with a clarification: I got carried away with my anger over the McNabb trade. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate the Redskins, but not more than the Cowboys. That’s just crazy talk.
As usual, these picks are for entertainment purposes only. If you use these picks for money, you are a dummy. Just laugh.
Philadelphia at Detroit (+6) Before the season, this was one of the two games I had as a gimmie for the Eagles. That was before both of these teams lost their starting QB’s. Now, instead of Kevin Kolb vs. Matt Stafford in an Eagles nailbiter, you have the reborn Ron Mexico versus some dude named Shaun Hill in this week’s STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK(TM). Eagles win BIG. What’s that I smell a-brewin’? That’s right. Quarterback controversy.
Kansas City at Cleveland(-2): Here’s a game where you can throw all the stats out the window. Why? Because Cleveland is AWFUL. Not only that, they are starting Seneca Wallace, who hasn’t won anything since that time I drafted him in Madden Create-A-Team. Ask not, Eric Mangini, for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee. KC covers and wins outright.
Buffalo at Green Bay(-12.5) Sweet Fancy Moses, that is a HUGE number. Buffalo is really, really bad. Green Bay is really, really good. Oh, that’s why the number is so big. Maybe these dudes in Vegas know what they are doing. Against my better judgement, take Green Bay and give the 12.5. I can promise you will not be hearing the phrase “give the 12.5” a lot from me this year.
Baltimore at Cincinnati (+2.5) I say Cincinnati is probably the third best team in the AFC. Unfortunately for them, Baltimore is the best team in the NFL. Having said that, Baltimore will have a letdown this week after that emotional win over Buddy’s boy’s boys, take Ochocinco and dem with the points.
Pittsburgh at Tennessee (-5) Wow, that is a lot of points to give the Stillers. But I love me some Tennessee. Teams 3-6 in the AFC are Tennessee, Cincinnati, Indianapolis and Houston. Frankly, you could pick the order at random, without slighting any of them. Tennessee is really good. Vince Young has finally got it. And that other dude at running back ain’t bad either. Take the Titans, give the five, and pray for me that Mike Tomlin doesn’t beat me up after school.
Chicago at Dallas (-7.5) OK, Dallas, you guys were new to the STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK(tm) last week, so let me explain how it works. When you get that honor, you don’t flip the ball to your running back who fumbles for a defensive TD as the first half ends. You sit on the ball, then come back out in the second half AND COVER THE FREAKING SPREAD. You got one more chance before I get mad. Dallas wins and covers.
Don’t make me put you on deathwatch, Dallas.
Tampa Bay at Carolina(-3.5): See, it’s like this. Matt Moore is, well, look, I’m sure he a fine fellow. But he is just terrible. TERRIBLE. But Tampa Bay, from ownership to waterboy, is a giant bag of fail. Hold your nose and take Carolina to cover. Pass the Pepto.
Arizona at Atlanta (-6.5) Say, remember when Arizona went to the Super Bowl? Me neither. Having said that, that is a touchdown spread. Do you really think the Falcons are gonna beat Arizona by seven? Me neither. Take the Cards and the points.
Miami at Minnesota (-5.5) We learned a couple of things in Minnesota’s opening week loss to the Saints: 1) Brett Fah-vruh needs training camp. B) Somebody taught Adrian Peterson how to hold onto the football. The first thing really isn’t important, but the second one is. Minnesota wins and covers.
St. Louis at Oakland (-3.5) I gotta wonder how many teams the Ray-dizz would be favored over. I’m gonna guess not many. The Raiders let me down last week. St. Louis is bad. I mean, like really bad. But, the Raiders are now back in the doghouse until they prove me wrong. Take the Rams and the points.
Seattle at Denver (-3) OK, Pete Carroll, I called you out last week and your Seahawks showed me up. Fine. Let’s see how you do with the added pressure of the label of UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK(tm). Seattle covers. Might win too.
Houston at Washington (+2.5) The siren call of the home underdog is impossible to resist. Wait, what? It’s the Redskins? Against Houston? Oh. Well. Never mind then, take Houston, give the points.
Jacksonville at San Diego (-7) See why I hate Norv Turner? I’d be over .500 if he wasn’t such a donkey. San Diego, you better hook me this week, or we are going to have a serious conversation about your future next week. Take the Chargers, give the points.
New England at New York Jets (+3) Hey, Jets? Stop calling other teams’ top players out the week you play them. At least win a game first before you anoint yourselves the greatest team ever. Home dog? Yes, please. Jets cover and win.
Younger Manning at Older Manning (-5) Clearly, I am the only one who could not care less about this Manning vs Manning crap. Peyton wins big because he needs to more. Oh, and, unlike Eli, he doesn’t suck. Take the Colts, give the points.
New Orleans at San Francisco (+5.5) Um, let’s see. A Mike Singletary team coming off of an embarrassing road loss getting points at home? Is this a typo? I don’t care if they are playing the 1978 Stillers, that is candy from a baby money. Take the Niners and don’t look that gift 5.5 points in the mouth.
COLLEGE SPECIAL DOUBLE DIP
Alabama at Duke (+23.5) Let’s be clear: Duke has no chance here. None. They are gonna get worked like the runway in “Zoolander” during the walk-off. They will lose by THREE TOUCHDOWNS and still cover, take Duke and the points.
Florida at Tennessee (+14) Say, you guys know Tim Tebow is gone, right? Dude, Tennessee is gonna WIN this game, much less cover. Good old Rocky Top, Rocky Top Tennessee.
Last week and Season:
NFL Overall 6-7-3, SCLPL 0-1, Upset special 1-0, College 0-1
Already with the death threats.
Garrett Hartley, you better be glad these picks are for entertainment purposes only, because you cost me a win last night. Your two (not one, TWO!) easy misses last night created a push.
Which, if these picks were not for entertainment purposes, would have cost me money.
So, the next time I pick the Saints, and you cost me a win, you are DEAD TO ME.
So, anyway, with no further ado, and, I cannot emphasize this enough, for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY, Week One picks:
Green Bay at Philadelphia (+3): Know this now: I am going to be picking the Eagles every week. Even on weeks like this, when I know they are going to get pounded like Kim Kardashian at a chess match, I’m picking the Eagles. Sometimes I’ll justify it. Sometimes I won’t. Take it as read. Eagles cover here.
Carolina at N.Y. Giants (-6.5): Ah, the half point hanger. You know, when the late touchdown cutting the final score to 20-14 costs you? Except here, the Giants will be riding the emotion of The First Game Ever At Fake Giants Stadium(tm), while the Panthers will be riding the arm of some guy named Matt Moore. The Giants are better than you think. They win easy here, take the Giants less the points.
Miami at Buffalo (+3): Miami. Great city. Great beaches. Great clubs. The football team as of late? Eh. But they are playing a Buffalo team so bad that Chan Gailey is actually being paid to coach it. Buffalo has a chance to be historically terrible. Miami wins by a lot, give the three.
Atlanta at Pittsburgh (+2): When was the last time the Stillers got points at home in an opener? Look, I know Ben “She Can’t Say No If She’s Passed Out Drunk” Roethlisberger isn’t playing. But I also know that Mike Tomlin has never lost on opening day. Never. You know what else I know? You don’t tug on Superman’s cape. You don’t spit into the wind. You don’t pull the mask on the old Lone Ranger, and you don’t bet against Tomlin. On opening day. Take the Steelers and the points.
Detroit at Chicago (-7): These are not the Matt Millen Lions anymore. Combine that with the fact that these ARE the Jay Cutler Bears, and you have the UPSET SPECIAL OF THE WEEK. Detroit covers. Shoot, they might even win, starting the Lovie Smith Deathwatch(tm).
Cincinnati at New England (-4.5): Coach Belichick? Yeah, there’s a Lou Cifer on the phone, something about your deal with him being up. I’m so over New England. And I believe that Cincy is the third best team in the AFC, behind Baltimore and New York. Take the Bengals and the points.
Cleveland at Tampa Bay(-3): This game stinks. I mean peee-yooo. How many teams would be an underdog to Tampa Bay, which, for the second consecutive year, starts the season with me being unable to name three of their guys? (Is Doug Williams still there?) I’ll tell you how many: two. The only reason Cleveland isn’t the worst team in football is because Buffalo might be the worst team in football HISTORY. Cue the Eric Mangini Deathwatch(tm). Tampa rolls, give the three. *blinks* Did I just say that?
Denver at Jacksonville (-2.5): If a team stinks and no one shows up, does it make a sound? Only in Jacksonville, my friend. How in the world is Jacksonville favored here? Are you kidding? I would lock this one if not for the Sunday Night Bludgeoning we have this week. Denver wins by double digits. Who set this line, Jack Del Rio’s grandbaby?
Indianapolis at Houston (+2): Imma tell you something, Houston is for real. They are gonna win a lot of shootouts this year. The offense is ridiculous, and I have a huge man crush on both Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson. Schaub is going for 5k this year, and it starts this week when he rings up Indy for 450 (that’s fo-fiddy) and four TD’s. Houston wins with some ridiculous Arena Bowl type score, like 68-65.
Tennessee at Oakland (+6): Will the last person off the Vince Young Bandwagon(tm) please turn out the lights? Oh, wait, that’s me. I still believe, Vince. But the Raiders are better than you think. Titans win a close one, but Raiders cover. Tom Cable hits Chris Johnson with a chair.
San Francisco at Seattle (+3): Say, did everybody suddenly forget that Pete Carroll is a lousy NFL coach? The world will be reminded Sunday. San Fran works them like those kids in The Temple of Doom, covering the three easily.
Arizona at St. Louis (+4): I am so tempted to pick against Arizona every time they are favored, especially on the road, but only Tampa Bay prevents the Rams from being the worst team in the NFC. Plus, now that they have a QB that doesn’t make me want to puke, Arizona might not be so crappy. Take the Cards, give the four.
Dallas at Washington (+3.5): As if I didn’t hate Dan Snyder enough, I have to listen to Redskins commercials (since I live in the DC area) talking about Donovan McNabb (who for the rest of the season shall, in this space, be referred to as He Whose Name Shall Not Be Mentioned, or HWNSNBM, for I am lazy) USING THE VOICE OF LEGENDARY EAGLES RADIO ANNOUNCER MERRILL REESE. I wanted to vomit. Now, I am forced to root for the FREAKING COWBOYS, because I hate the Redskins so much. Daniel Snyder, I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns. I hope you get leprosy. Cowboys by THREE TOUCHDOWNS. STONE COLD LEAD PIPE LOCK(tm).
Baltimore at N.Y. Jets (-2.5): I so want to say, “People, slow your roll. The Jets are a fine team, but come on, this is a little silly. Aren’t we getting just a little carried away?” But I can’t. I love, love, LOVE this team. I love the swagger, I love the coach, I love that dude with the fireman’s hat. They win an instant classic on a last second field goal, but Baltimore covers the tight 2.5 in this AFC Championship game preview. Must See TV.
San Diego at Kansas City (+4.5): Quick, name five guys on the Chiefs. No, sorry, Tony Gonzalez isn’t there anymore. Yeah, anyway, so, take the Chargers and give the points. This one is like stealing.
Penn State at Alabama (-12): Penn State shocks the world and covers the 12. If this column is missing next week, it’s because Nick Saban had me wacked for putting the Hoodoo Jinx(tm) on his Crimson Tide. WE ARE!
It’s that time of year again. Winners for the year. Take it to the bank. For entertainment purposes only, unless you like flushing money down the toilet.
Here we go.
NFC East: Dallas (Number 2 Seed)
NFC North: Green Bay (Number 1 Seed)
NFC South: New Orleans
NFC West: San Francisco
Wild Cards: Minnesota, New York
NFC Champion: Dallas over Green Bay
Best NFC team to miss the playoffs: Philadelphia
Worst NFC team to make the playoffs: San Francisco
AFC East: New York
AFC North: Baltimore
AFC South: Indianapolis
AFC West: San Diego
AFC Wild Cards: Cincinnati, Houston
AFC Champion: Baltimore over New York
Super Bowl Champion: Baltimore over Dallas
Best AFC team to miss the playoffs: Pittsburgh
Worst AFC team to make the playoffs: San Diego
League MVP: Matt Schaub, QB, Houston
Defensive Player of the Year: Darrelle Revis, CB, New York Jets
Not that it will happen, but the team most likely to go 16-0: Green Bay
Not that it will happen, but the team most likely to go 0-16: Buffalo. And Cleveland.
Coach most likely to get fired in season: Eric Mangini
Coaches on the hot seat: Lovie Smith, Jack del Rio, John Fox
Week Philly fans call for Andy Reid to get fired: 2
Week the same Philly fans screaming for McNabb to go say we never should have gotten rid of him because Kevin Kolb is a candy armed bum: 4
Week Philly fans call for Mike Vick to start: Never
Week Minnesota regrets bringing Brett Farve back: 6
Week Mike Shanahan regrets coming back to work for Dan Snyder: 8
Week I throw a brick through my TV because of something Joe Buck says: 4
Week I stop making picks because I’m lazy: 5
Minnesota at NEW ORLEANS (-5): Farve gives up a gut wrenching late pick six and the Saints win a shootout. And they cover the 5.